if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
COCAINE IS GR8
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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