Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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