dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
