at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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