the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
