don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize