He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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