So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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