I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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