I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
