You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
