I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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