i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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