Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
