you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
