My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
