just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
