I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
