FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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