sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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