My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
