I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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