i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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