i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
