Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can't put those talents on a resume
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
