Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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