anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
