please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
