Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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