the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
