I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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