just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
