you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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