3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
we're so committed to being not committed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
