i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
