When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
