i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize