I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize