Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
