We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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