Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
