Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
