i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
