Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
