In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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