Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
