i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Randomize
