Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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