I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
