I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I cut my penus on the lid.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
