i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
