I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
