a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
