you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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