I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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