you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
