So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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