My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im holly from the hills drunk
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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