So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
