He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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