You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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