please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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