I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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