I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
