I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
